I have sat down to write this post what feels like a million times over the past few months. But the words just wouldn’t come.
At first, there simply were no words.
Nothing.
Not a single one.
And then slowly, I began to see the words in my mind, but I just couldn’t get them to land on paper (or I suppose on screen would be more accurate). So rather than force it – I decided to just leave it be and I took a break.
I know you’re all probably thinking, “Umm…duh…yeah, we noticed.”
It wasn’t a planned break. It wasn’t even a welcome break. It was more of a necessary break.
A you need to take a breath and focus on yourself kind of break.
So I took my break. And I took care of myself. And I watched a lot of Netflix. A LOT of Netflix. And I’m finally starting to feel a little bit more like me. A little bit more like I have some things in order. A little bit more like it’s all going to be okay.
I’m finally feeling like I have the courage to tell you that Jordan and I have separated.
Alice and I will be staying in the house, and on the surface things look much like they always have. But in reality, everything has changed. It’s been an adjustment in so many ways, but I’m doing my best to just roll with it and keep my focus on moving forward. Some days go better than others.
I suppose I was naïve in thinking my marriage was unbreakable. It never once occurred to me that it could actually end. I am guilty of worrying about a lot of things – but that one never seemed like a possibility.
And yet here we are.
I can’t even begin to tell you the roller coaster of emotions. Anger. Grief. Fear. Confusion. Bitterness. Sadness. Shame. Denial. Acceptance. Strength. You name it, I’ve felt it. Sometimes all within the same day. Sometimes all within just a matter of minutes.
And most recently I’ve noticed a new emotion creeping in. It doesn’t stay around long, and I haven’t quite been able to put my finger on what it is exactly, but I think it might be a little bit of hope. Or maybe it’s excitement. Or it could be relief. Or maybe it’s a little bit of all three. Whatever it is, I’m glad it’s there, encouraging me to keep looking forward instead of back.
So you can see why blogging just dropped to the wayside.
Because how do you talk about your life (even if it is mostly talk of throw pillows and a love of antiques) when you all of a sudden find yourself living a life you no longer recognize?
How do you talk about all the things that make your house feel like home, when your home is literally disintegrating before your eyes?
I tried. I really did. I even considered carrying on as if nothing was happening behind the scenes over here. But I couldn’t bring myself to do that. It wouldn’t be fair to you and it wouldn’t be fair to me.
For a time, I pondered whether I should ever even blog again. My domain expired, and I came really close to just letting it go – but I had a change of heart at the last minute and decided to renew.
And I’m glad I did, because little by little, I’ve been feeling the spark of creativity start to fire. I’ve found myself browsing Pinterest again, and catching up on all my favorite blogs, and flipping through that Pottery Barn catalog night after night. I even spent some time last weekend switching things up around the house to welcome in the fall season.
And you know what? It felt good.
I have no idea what is in store for me, or this blog, or anything really. But I’d love to share the journey with you. So let’s see how this goes.
We’ll talk soon friends!
I too have been where you are.I was married for 20 years and worked with my husband.I lost my marriage and my job at the same time!I got strong….guess what, I ended up marrying someone I had known for 20 years and we just celebrated our 21st happy anniversary.You never know what great surprise is just around the corner.Blessings .xo
Dear lady, this post is raw and so brave. I have no more words to offer than those already beautifully expressed. I have been where you are now, and can promise you that there are brighter days ahead. You have most definitely been missed and I’m truly glad that you chose to come back to “us”
Many squishy, comforting hugs for you ♥♥♥
I’m so relieved to know you aren’t sick or that someone else isn’t sick… I was worried… I kept peeking in and seeing nothing and couldn’t help myself. I’m also very sorry to hear of your separation. After 44 years of marriage I’ll be the first to admit there were at least 2 times in my own marriage I honestly couldn’t predict whether we’d make it to the other side. I always hope for miracles but will leave the miracle to be determined by the person in charge of them and the people who live them…Sending positive thoughts and much love to you…
So sorry to hear your news. Take good care of yourself <3
Hi Tonya, I was so happy when I saw you posted a new post. I was really missing your posts. So sad when I read about why you’ve been absent. I was in your same shoe years ago-married for 6 years to my college sweetheart, had a dog, no kids and had just purchased our first home. I know all the emotions you mentioned. There would be nights I would get in my car with my dog and drive to parents at midnight because I couldn’t stand being alone. Flash forward a few years-started dating a guy I had been friends with high school. We just celebrated 13 years of marriage. Life goes on and things always turn out right. It hurt now but time heals. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
Pat in Chicago
I’m so sorry to here about your separation. Take care of yourself. Better days are ahead. 🙂
Stay strong. Things will get better with time. Glad you decided to keep blogging.
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope you will take the time you need to heal yourself. I will say, however, that I have missed your blog and hope you will continue it in the future. I have always found inspiration in your posts and having just moved into an older home last month (a Dutch Colonial, too), I have been using some of your “advice” to decorate this home. Take care of yourself.
Hearing you say that you have started to feel signs of hope makes my heart so happy! You are such an amazing person, one of my dearest friends, and it kills me to know you have to deal with all this….times like this is what makes the miles between us so hard. I miss you dearly, these times are never easy but I’m so glad to see you writing again!! Love you!!!
Oh Tonya, I am so sorry to hear about this. I have been checking your blog and was concerned something had happened. I can’t even imagine how terrible this is for you. Decorating is so trivial in comparison, but for creative souls like you, it could be therapy in time. Emotions can really run a wide range can’t they? I’m sure this was hard to share, but if this blog helps, then we are glad to listen. I will keep you in my prayers. Take care….
Tonya we have noticed your absence and were worried about you. I am so sorry for your separation. I will be praying for your heart and soul to heal! I’m happy to see that you will continue blogging as it will be a welcome respite!
Hi Tonya, thank you for sharing this with us. You are so brave! I am sorry to hear that this is going on in your life. Just knowing you through this blog, I can tell you are resilient. Keep the faith!
Tonya–you are now in a not-so-very exclusive club. One you never want to join. One you usually don’t see coming. But, a club nonetheless—full of women who will support, encourage, and help you thru. Take your time. I am sending thoughts and prayers and hope your way! You are stronger than you think! We all believe in you!
You have been very missed! I was so sad to read your post today. Hoping that with time you will feel strong enough to keep writing and sharing yourself with all of us.
Many prayers for you!!! I’ve missed yoir
Posts and I’m so glad you stayed!!! Maybe this will give us a chance to give back to you with love and encouragement !! A few years ago my daughter and her two small children lost her husband (and their father) to cancer. A different kind of loss but she has had to rebuild her life. there is a light at the end of the tunnel!! Take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself!!!
Oh I’m so very sorry to hear what you are telling us! I have missed you! I was hoping you were taking a much needed break but not for the reasons you shared. All I can tell you now is that it will get better. I watched my daughter go through this painful experience and it is hard.. very hard. But you will survive this and you will be ok, really you will. It will come slowly but you will recognize your progress and you will learn a lot about life and yourself. Turn this into something positive as you move forward. We are so glad to have you back! We support you as you move through this crazy journey of ending one relationship and beginning of finding yourself. Stay strong and keep connected to your faithful followers. xox
I’ve missed you and your special blog. So glad you didn’t give up on it!! Sending prayers for your every success!
Thought and prayers for you. Be strong and of good courage.
Sending you (((big hugs))) Tonya!!! I am so sorry to hear the news.You have been missed dearly. You are stronger than you know and have proved that by being able to share such personal stuff. Know that you are loved and being prayed for. Good things will come from this and God will make sure of it. Take all the time you need. We’ll be here waiting for you. XOXO
Tonya, so sorry to read about your situation. Life has unimaginable ways of making us members of club we would never voluntarily join. I completely understand your need for space and will be here when you return. So glad you still have Alice to keep you company. Hugs & prayers from CT!!!
Sorry to hear your news. Pain is hard. Take care of yourself and do what helps you heal.
I am sorry that your heart is hurting and that the world that you knew has changed. Thank you for sharing such a personal thing with us. I am glad that you stayed. Praying for strength and wisdom to get you through such a difficult time. Margie P was correct… God will carry you. Many hugs.
Tears. I am sending you a big cyber hug… my heart breaks for you yet I know you are extremely tough and will be more than OK. Keep doing what you love because everyone else clearly loves it too. 💙
Hello Tonya,
My heart aches for you!!! God will carry you ! Thoughts and prayers! Thanks for being transparent! Love your blog and creativity, take time for yourself and heal!!!
Ellen stated it so well, “you are wounded, not broken…”, the quote about good days, bad days, and worst days is beautiful. We will look for your cozy posts in our inbox and listen when you are ready to talk.
Pat
Hugs and prayers for you today and tomorrow. Yes, you have been missed a ton, and I was praying things were ok for you and I appreciate your total honesty with sharing all of this with the world. We love you and are here for you. Maybe this place can be part of your healing.
I’m sorry you are facing life’s challenges, but I’m glad you are beginning to feel that little prod of hope. Take your time; do as you feel. I enjoy your blog and will be watching when you feel like returning.
Tonya
I love the reply about regret. every day we experience a spectrum of both good and bad. It’s hard in this Facebook world to put yourself out there raw and open. Remember we all are fallible and we all hurt and I commend you for your strength. Take the time you need to heal.
Like others have said take your time we will be here:) Taking a break is totally understandable. I never leave comments on blogs but I have to say I check Rustic and Woven religiously. I admire the honesty and nonjudgmental posts. I love that you blog about changing pillows or switching up a vignette, it gives me inspiration for my own home. While most bloggers are ripping out entire kitchens you understand we can’t always gut everything and start over. Working with what I have I look to your blog to enjoy your lovely home and gain inspiration for my own. Are there things I would love to rip out? Of course:) But there is so much to be grateful for. Take care of you!
Unfortunately, you have found yourself in a sorority into which you never pledged and the membership seems endless. Equally unfortunately, I am a member of long standing. It is not always easy, but…you too will survive, stronger than before and hopefully wiser. You are wounded, not broken and you will heal. “Never regret a day in your life: Good days give happiness, Bad days give experience, Worst days give lessons and Best days give memories.” – origin unknown.
Hello, Tonya. I, like others, completely empathize with you. It’s so surreal to find yourself in what feels like sudden chaos and you have no idea where it will all lead (that insight always comes with hindsight). Yet my own experience is that it can lead to something even better, in time. Meanwhile, you learn more about yourself, you adapt, and you change. You find new ways to be content, happy. Best wishes for your and your daughter’s new path.
Wow, the word that comes to mind after reading this post is brave. I’m sure it’s easy to think of things like decorating and blogging about it far less important after such a life change. It would be easy to let it go. By making this very personal post you are proving yourself correct. It’s a sign of hope. Your life has changed, but you will find a new normal. Within that new normal you will still be you. Thank you for sharing this very personal part of your life with your readers. Thank you for choosing to continue your lovely blog. We will be happy to hear from you when creativity strikes.
Sorry to hear you are going through a rough patch. Take your time, one day at a time. Take care of yourself. We will wait for you….I’ll keep you in my prayers.